I am sitting comfortably in a chair. I have unbottoned and unzipped my shorts to be more comfortable. I seem to be sitting by a swimming pool at a hotel or resort of some kind. My T-shirt is slightly above my belly, exposing this fat roll that I have, also exposing the stretchmarks on my belly. Suddenly this man dressed in all black approaches me and stands to my left looking down at me and my exposed belly. He grimaces as he sees my fat roll and my stretchmarks. He rolls his eyes like I disgust him. I say to him, "Yes, you are looking upon a woman, an all-woman woman, who has also had a child. What? You've never seen an all-woman woman before? He rolls his eyes again and walks away. I think to myself, "Thank goodness my husband doesn't regard me in this manner."
Then I see the man go to a group of three other younger men. They are also all dressed in black. He says something to them and they all look in my direction, and they all grimace as they look at me.
Suddenly I am in our newly remodeled house, and I am standing in our new kitchen making a pot of coffee. Suddenly I just want to get naked, shed all my clothes and just run around naked. I do and this feels so good, so freeing, so liberating and it makes me feel joyful and free. End of dream.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Where's Stella? 25 April 2010
I am in a car and my manager, Eduardo, is driving. Two women are in the front seat, but turned around in their seats so that they are facing me. They are so happy. They are a couple and are excited because they are getting married. They are laughing and sharing their happiness with me.
Suddenly I realize that my dog, Stella, is not with us. I ask Eduardo where she is. He tells me he will take me where he left her. I am not very happy hearing this. Eduardo pulls up to this huge brick building and he pulls in so closely that I barely have room to squeeze in between the car and the back door to this building. There are actually two, big, black metal doors and they are locked. I don't know what this building is really, but I have a key on my key chain that unlocks this door. I use my key and go inside. I begin calling my dog. "Stella, Stella!" About 6 or 8 other dogs show up and sniff me, wagging their tails, but none are my dog, Stella.
I ask Eduardo, "Where did you leave her?" He tells me that he left her in the basement. So I go downstairs into the basement and begin calling. I see these small groups of teenagers in these classrooms and in the hallways. I am thinking that this building is a school of some description. All the kids are dressed in black and seem quite serious. Then I think better of the school idea and think perhaps that this building is about something else altogether, but I don't know what. And I am not really liking how this building feels, and wonder why I have a key that unlocks its doors. I continue to call Stella but she never comes and the dream fades.
Suddenly I realize that my dog, Stella, is not with us. I ask Eduardo where she is. He tells me he will take me where he left her. I am not very happy hearing this. Eduardo pulls up to this huge brick building and he pulls in so closely that I barely have room to squeeze in between the car and the back door to this building. There are actually two, big, black metal doors and they are locked. I don't know what this building is really, but I have a key on my key chain that unlocks this door. I use my key and go inside. I begin calling my dog. "Stella, Stella!" About 6 or 8 other dogs show up and sniff me, wagging their tails, but none are my dog, Stella.
I ask Eduardo, "Where did you leave her?" He tells me that he left her in the basement. So I go downstairs into the basement and begin calling. I see these small groups of teenagers in these classrooms and in the hallways. I am thinking that this building is a school of some description. All the kids are dressed in black and seem quite serious. Then I think better of the school idea and think perhaps that this building is about something else altogether, but I don't know what. And I am not really liking how this building feels, and wonder why I have a key that unlocks its doors. I continue to call Stella but she never comes and the dream fades.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
There is Nothing Left For You Here Anymore - 24 April 2010
I am in this very primitive building. It has dirt floors and is very, very rustic. There is something being filmed in this location, a television series. I am on the production crew and part of the craft service serving the food to the actors. I am particularly in charge of the principles in the TV series, that is, the "Stars of the Show." We are on break and the two actors on the set decide to simply eat on the set instead of going back to their trailers. So, I begin setting up a nice place for them to eat. The last scene they shot was on an office set. As I brought in the napkins and the eating utensils, I happened to glance over at the main actor and she already had everything. This confused me. I was in charge, yet someone had already given this actor her eating utensils. She was trying to hide these from me, so I wouldn't find out who had preceded me.
When I walked back off-set, it seemed like the director, producer and the film crew were playing back and commenting on what they had shot that morning. A crowd had gathered around the film crew (these seemed to be people off the street), and everyone seemed to be an expert. They were all giving their opinions, saying, "They should do this, they could've done that, and on and on." I was busy for the most part, and just worked around this crowd of about 10 people. One of them was the UPS man or a postman. The rest were simply people off the street.
The next thing I knew I was on the ground. I was trying to bury some coffee cups, exactly like the ones we use in our restaurant in Mexico. Even though I was the one doing this, I didn't know why on earth I was on the ground trying to bury coffee cups, and with my bare hands. At one point I even tried to break up the hardened ground with my own teeth. Something didn't seem right and I didn't feel like myself. Suddenly I start feeling really weird and I don't think I can even hold myself up any longer. I keep hearing this woman's voice in my left ear. She is saying over and over again, "There's nothing left for you here anymore. There's nothing left for you here anymore."
Suddenly I have fallen over onto my side. My eyes and mouth are wide open. I leave my body and look at myself. I have this grotesque look on my face. I realize that I am dying and I can still hear this woman beside me continuing to tell me that there's nothing left for me here anymore. Suddenly, I see Dave, my husband, come to my side. And he begins to cry, then sob and I can see how sad he feels that I am dying. I continue to hear this woman's voice. Then, somehow, I get enough strength to sit up. I want to shut this woman up who's talking to me. I see a box of tissues. I begin stuffing this woman's mouth with tissues. Actually, after awhile, there didn't seem to be a body connected to the voice, just this big set of what looked like, dentures, lying on the ground beside my partially buried coffee cups. I am still filling the woman's dentures with big wads of tissues when I wake up.
When I walked back off-set, it seemed like the director, producer and the film crew were playing back and commenting on what they had shot that morning. A crowd had gathered around the film crew (these seemed to be people off the street), and everyone seemed to be an expert. They were all giving their opinions, saying, "They should do this, they could've done that, and on and on." I was busy for the most part, and just worked around this crowd of about 10 people. One of them was the UPS man or a postman. The rest were simply people off the street.
The next thing I knew I was on the ground. I was trying to bury some coffee cups, exactly like the ones we use in our restaurant in Mexico. Even though I was the one doing this, I didn't know why on earth I was on the ground trying to bury coffee cups, and with my bare hands. At one point I even tried to break up the hardened ground with my own teeth. Something didn't seem right and I didn't feel like myself. Suddenly I start feeling really weird and I don't think I can even hold myself up any longer. I keep hearing this woman's voice in my left ear. She is saying over and over again, "There's nothing left for you here anymore. There's nothing left for you here anymore."
Suddenly I have fallen over onto my side. My eyes and mouth are wide open. I leave my body and look at myself. I have this grotesque look on my face. I realize that I am dying and I can still hear this woman beside me continuing to tell me that there's nothing left for me here anymore. Suddenly, I see Dave, my husband, come to my side. And he begins to cry, then sob and I can see how sad he feels that I am dying. I continue to hear this woman's voice. Then, somehow, I get enough strength to sit up. I want to shut this woman up who's talking to me. I see a box of tissues. I begin stuffing this woman's mouth with tissues. Actually, after awhile, there didn't seem to be a body connected to the voice, just this big set of what looked like, dentures, lying on the ground beside my partially buried coffee cups. I am still filling the woman's dentures with big wads of tissues when I wake up.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Deep Water - 20 April 2010
I am in deep, deep, beautiful, aquamarine water. I am swimming up toward the surface of the water. My eyes are open. I am calm and comfortable in the water. As I near the surface of the water, I suddenly have this knowing that in the time it's taken me to make this journey to the surface of the water (less than a minute, it seemed like), I realize that I have lived my entire 58 years in this short space of time. It's as if all that I have ever lived took less than a minute of time.
I feel quite alive as I am leisurely swimming up toward the surface, but once I have this realization, that in this short space of time, I have lived and experienced my 58 years, I wonder to myself if I am actually dead. I am literally inches from the surface and I suddenly have the additional awareness that I am lying in my bed dreaming all this. My focus changes to my body lying in my bed dreaming, and I actually wonder if I have died sometime during this experience, and I am not at all sure that I am alive. Further, I wonder that even if I wake up from this experience with full consciousness, I will have to wonder if I haven't already died.
I feel quite alive as I am leisurely swimming up toward the surface, but once I have this realization, that in this short space of time, I have lived and experienced my 58 years, I wonder to myself if I am actually dead. I am literally inches from the surface and I suddenly have the additional awareness that I am lying in my bed dreaming all this. My focus changes to my body lying in my bed dreaming, and I actually wonder if I have died sometime during this experience, and I am not at all sure that I am alive. Further, I wonder that even if I wake up from this experience with full consciousness, I will have to wonder if I haven't already died.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
