Reconfiguring and Reformulating

I did a Matrix session with myself yesterday and I actually asked for something for myself. Typically, when I do a session with myself, I don't state anything specific. I just let go and work with whatever shows up. But yesterday I asked for something specific. After the session with myself, I fell asleep and had one of those deep, deep sleeps, feeling really, really heavy when I woke up. And I was really confused as to where I was and what time of day it was, too. I woke up totally thinking it was the next morning because I heard the generator come on. But, the light in the room seemed different. It took me several minutes to realize what day and time it was. But, I remembered some things from my nap.

I remembered that I wasn't alone. I remembered that I kept seeing these words on either a piece of paper or on a computer screen. I couldn't really tell but I tend to think the words were on a computer screen. These were some sort of formulas or configurations and they had to do with me. And I felt as though "others" were working to reconfigure or reformulate me in accordance to my request.

Then this morning when I woke up, again I felt this heaviness, like I had been somewhere else in the early morning hours. And like there were "others" working with me. It hit me how powerful this is.

Now, it's about Noon and I just feel so raw inside. I am extremely emotional. Even though I sort of feel like I could lash out because I feel so raw, I also recognize that I have felt like this before and this usually occurs when I am in the middle of shifting something, some unseen and unknown part of myself to a better place, a more useful place. Just a few minutes ago, I just grabbed my manager, put my arms around him, and held him close to me. I told him how much I loved him and how much I appreciate him. And I felt like my heart would break, but really, it's just my heart expanding.

Sometimes when my heart expands, I want to lash out because what I am feeling is so intense. But I know that I have this lashing out tendency only because it feels so different and that's just the label I put on it. I just know that God is not orchestrating this shift in me in order for me to lash out. He is orchestrating this shift in me to Love, to Love more, and more deeply, especially to appreciate the love in ME, the love I have for myself. I just have to step back a little and consider that this shift is to my highest good and it's always about Love in one way or another, even though it feels like something else.

And I am reminded of that story I told about this in my Veronica's Whisper series on http://veronicaswhisper.blogspot.com. I remember screaming at God, "Why do I feel so sad all the time. I can't live like this. What's this all about?" And he replied "It's love. It's love. I just make it feel like sadness to get your attention." And that experience gave me the perspective to view these shifts that feel like sadness or rawness or anger in a different way........from Love.